Dirty Dozen 2025
In 1776 our nation's founding fathers came together, looked back on all the lessons of history and put together the single greatest document in the history of human civilization, The Declaration of Independence. In this document they came to the divine revelation that “Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed”, not the other way around. As we approach the 250 year anniversary we are beginning to see their lessons forgotten as our federal government gets more powerful by the day, Super Pacs buy out our politicians, the everyday person gets left behind, and Fantasy Football Commissioners abuse their power and actually think they're important.
FOOTBALL IS BACK and with it the DIRTY Dozen. Never has the league lived up to the name more. With significant others staging coups, insults getting hurled, and names being slandered. Nothing sums up this league more than Skeet exclaiming, “Expand the dozen to 14 commish! And don’t you say it won’t make sense because nothing in this league makes sense.”
Following the Commissioner’s lowest approval rating since Nixon, there was conveniently an absolute shit show of a scandal. With owners colluding with wives, owner Kurt Sinnen took a hard hit in the public eye, but as twitter investigative journalist Ryan Galvin dug deeper it seems that the commissioner was the one behind it the whole time, orchestrating screen shots and collusion behind the scenes to get the owners distracted and off his ass. Some politicians use aliens, others relegating women’s leagues.
For the first time someone outside of the board has gotten access to the press and WE WILL BE HEARD, finally launching the much anticipated kurtbullshitfacts.com. From now on, all grievances will be added to the site along with any of Kurt’s bullshit facts and any receipts the group thinks worth tracking. Like our forefathers back in 1776, the power is within the peoples grasps but we must take it. With that... deciding keeper rules based on write ins? If you asked americans to do that you'd end up with Meech writing in Usher for President and probably end up with Taylor Swift.
Finally, congratulations to Kyle Morrison after stealing the engagement magic and team name “Flanigans Finest” from Deh, he won the championship with probably the least talented roster to ever do so (no really…Championship Starting Lineup: Darnold, Najee, Gibson, Amon, Evans, Laporta, Keenan, Okonkwo, Steelers, Boswell), but it doesn’t matter a champion is a champion and will be etched in Dirty Dozen History forever unlike Kurt, Mitch, Turner, Walker, and Neumann. All of whom are on Jim Rome’s infamous “Hot Seat”. Kyle will remain the champion until Thursday when he drops his banner and then everyone has the opportunity to once again be forever immortalized in the Dozen. Type Shiiii
Now to your 2025 contenders in order of 2024 final standings…
Kyle Morrison- Newsomes Illegals
Kyle Newsome is taking whoever he can from over the border for his attempt at a back-to-back championship. After taking the summer off and traveling all up and down the Appalachian Mountains looking for Oliver Anthony he’s back in class, telling kids they’re pussies and hooking up with the band teacher… The real life Kenny Powers. It now makes sense that he's using Mexico to forward his career.
““There’s two things I really like to do and that’s whoop ass and look good. I’m doing one of them right now and this year in the Dozen, I’m doing the other.” - Conor McGregor - Kyle Morrison”
Jake Friel- Type Shiiit
After coming in second place Friel is on the hot seat for a championship and to drop down on a knee and get ‘er done. Lucky for him they’re mutually exclusive. Unfortunately for him respected sport analyst Cam Newton thinks Friel still has a lot to prove both on and off the field. Excited for another year of Friel and his fellow Eagles fans calling for Jalen Hurts and Sirianni’s jobs in week 4 to preaching that they’re first ballot hall of famers by the end of the year.
“Make up a comment for me” *While pissing in a urinal at shuckers
Nick Walker- Saquan’s Arabian Goggles
Walker had a son made in his image this offseason, unfortunately for him his dad has yet to lock up the Dozen in the Father-Son-Holy Dozen Trinity. Walker’s teams remind me a lot of those early 2000’s Colts teams, always having great regular seasons, winning MVPs, but just not winning when it counts. Lucky for him the Colts got their championship, he just has to get the rules changed and find his Bears to get an easy championship.
Kurt Sinnen/Colton Ward?- BrockLEE
Loooong off season for Kurt with the media spotlight on him following the many scandals and controversies. Fortunately for him, he loves the attention, tootsie sliding into the draft. After being an absolute joke of a franchise of the Dozen, Kurt had his best year yet; with an absolutely stacked roster from top to bottom and even guaranteeing a championship, he finished in dazzling fourth place, $100 in the hole. Lucky for Lee he has one of the best value keepers he could’ve asked for after a great 2024 draft, unfortunately for him he’ll become a first round keeper next year so it doesn't really matter. Kurt declined to comment, but if I had to guess he’ll have a lot to say.
Turner Bishop- Team Diaper Dynasty
Two kids and a MacBook later T is ready to return to his 2015 fantasy runner up form. T's organization reminds me a lot of his favorite team, used to be an absolute joke, now with a new team name, a revamped coaching staff, and a franchise QB he’s ready to make some noise. Like the commanders the question is whether or not this is all a fluke or is he here to stay?
“With all do respect and I mean allllllll doooo, Fuck everyone”- T
“That teams MINE” - Beckham
“Got milk?” - Campbell
Adam Bainbridge- Joe Burrr
People often forget Adam is in the league. Like T, when asked if he had ever won a championship he claimed he did “in the very beginning”... “Just trust me bro.” Unlike T, the kid is too cool for school; rarely communicating with the rest of the league, when you do see/hear from him he’s just talking about Breckenridge, Colorado… sick dude. Rumor has it many outside billionaires have called the league to inquire about his organization. Between his lackluster performance and Carson Wentz attitude, he too is on the hot seat.
“Looking forward to another great season. the league is as competitive as it’s ever been and I’m very excited for the shit talking to get louder and louder. also very pumped for the double shotguns and wheel of death”
Sam Sinnen- Amor Fati
Coming off of a 2023 Championship Sammy had a lackluster 2024 season. It seems the kid was more concerned with picking flowers for his wedding and getting home makeovers rather than sitting down, doing the dirty work, and watching film. Because of that franchise player McCafe was left in a vulnerable position and was hurt most of the 2024 season. Does Sam take accountability for that? No. Instead he cuts the guy, leaving him on the streets looking for a new home. Like JJ, I really don’t know what to expect from him. Could be a champion at the end of the year, but more than likely will be just “ehhh, next year is our year”
“Disappointing year for us last season, perhaps you could call it a Dozen hangover. Brought in a new training staff this year, made some updates to the locker room, and just looking forward to the 2025 campaign. Laddy the Baddy going to lead Amor Fati to new heights this szn.“
Tyler Nelin- In The Trenches
Tyler Nelin, the friend, the best. Tyler Nelin, the teammate, will go to war for you. Tyler Nelin, the coach, ain’t no coach. Tyler Nelin, the commissioner, the dictator tendencies of Stalin, Hilter, and Mao with the cognitive ability of Joe Biden. The kid’s claim to fame is winning the dozen back to back, but it’s his own league that he changes the rules from year to year. Reminds me of when T would add the most talented players to his Turkey Bowl team after the draft and not tell anyone. Our only hope is Reeses Pieces can show him that the real meaning of life is putting our egos aside and to do all that we can to give our children and our way too serious fantasy football league that we spend hundreds of hours a year a better future.
David Culler- Cardi B’s Box
Coming off the franchises worst year and his year long study abroad trip to Cuba, Deh has a lot to prove. Once a powerhouse in the league, he has turned into a franchise made up of keepers built of glass and excuses. Some say ever since Brady hung it up so has he. Being the only owner in years to get engaged and not win a championship, luck is not on his side. Rumour has it he even tried to end his engagement just to get engaged again this season, desperation is truly setting in.
“Flanigan's Finest did win the championship last year. Excited to be parked in the box all year”
Nick Browning/Ryan Galvin- Who Da Neighbors
After his 5 year siesta in Europe and making his assistant owner shotgun 720 oz of beer this offseason, EuroP is back in the league and heading back to the states, only now he’s a little different. Sipping wine with his pinky up while rockin’ a scarf, some say EuroP has lost his edge. The only true two time winner of the dirty dozen hopes to get back to his old self, but if he wishes to do so he must put his country behind him and focus full time on the dozen.
For Galv it has been a tough two “welcome to the fuckin show” years as an owner finishing 11th and 12th but boy has he earned the respect of a lot of coaches with his performance this summer. With that much grit and resilience with a bullshit punishment, it’s only a matter of time before he figures it out. EuroP better watch out before Galv gets snagged up by another organization.
“Who da Nabers are who we’ve always been. Winners. There’s been some down years but we’re reaching back to make this organization great again. There’s only one way to go this season and worst to first is our only option. We aren’t worried about relegation leagues or alliances. We’re reaching back to the Leveon days before the CTE. you can call us whatever you want but don’t call us crying” -EuroP
“It’s been a ride, glad to have B back. Don't eat your wife's box with strep throat” - Galv
Landyn Neumann- Da Popes
Lots of parallels between Anthony Richardson and Caleb as well as Skeet and Ryan Clark. Ever since the infamous Hail Mary the kid has dropped the GM ball like Aaron Judge in a World Series game. Skeet honestly always has a team that looks great on paper, but just can’t seem to get the locker room to gel, even having his longtime keeper Tyreek Hill get in an altercation with the police last year. Pray for Skeet that his fantasy team, the Bears, and Yankees don’t all crush his soul this year.
“Looking forward to another year of the dirty dozen despite our commish Kim Jung Nell. Da Pope’s got a guy in Vatican City now pulling for our squad. TONS of bulletin board material this offseason, I will either get my vengeance thru Da Pope’s or thru the DoP. Just the thought of commish finishing last gets me excited”
Mitch Moynihan- DJ Shrooms
No one organization resembles their favorite franchise more than Meech’s. Just year after year is an absolute disappointment, but still year after year acts like they’re coming off a championship. People forget that despite Galv finishing in regular season last place, Meech came in actual last place, finishing last in the consolation bracket. All we can hope is with a baby girl on the way, hopefully it forces Meech to wake up, not be in sports denial, and make her proud. Lucky for her there's already plenty of sippy cups in the house. Also could've easily kept another keeper and taken Gibbs at 4, but he ain't no coach or maybe his team was just that shitty.
“I’m one of the best coaches in this league, I’m an Isaiah likely slant away from a championship, baby on the way may impact my Sunday events but could also have me on the wavier wire when they go through. Can’t wait for another exciting year of the dirty dozen”... Sent after I wrote the write up and just validated it even more
“Lots of girls in this group” -Beckham, Campbell, and Brooks